


Fill Up My Glass

by golfdadscoups



Category: SEVENTEEN (Band)
Genre: Angst, Fluff, Hurt/Comfort, M/M, Post-Canon
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-03-14
Updated: 2018-03-14
Packaged: 2019-03-31 06:15:46
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 13,726
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13969098
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/golfdadscoups/pseuds/golfdadscoups
Summary: Jeonghan's stuck in the past wondering if anyone can hear his tears, wondering if Seungcheol's always been thinking of the same thing he just figured out last week.





	Fill Up My Glass

**Author's Note:**

> i hate this fic with my entire soul but there are apparently people who really love this so here have fun godspeed.

Seungcheol manages to catch Jeonghan in the act, before anything fatal can happen anyway. He drags him back to his own car, a 2015 Hyundai Sonata, quite the deal, although he's gotta update it soon. Seungcheol is completely silent, his grip on Jeonghan's wrist is like a vise and it hurts although he's shaking, although theyre both shaking. Jeonghan cant find it in his being to care.

The entire car ride back is silent. Jeonghan turns the radio on, Seungcheol immediately turns it back off. Jeonghan leans back in his seat with a heavy sigh.

“Youre going 45, its a 30 zone.” Jeonghan comments after some time, watching the needle on the speedometer slowly curve up.

Seungcheol doesnt reply. He does bring his speed down. 

They stop in front of an high rise apartment building and this confuses Jeonghan. He sits up, frowning.

“Is this you're plan to get rid of me?” He asks. 

“What?”

“I’m fucking insane to you, right? Driving drunk, almost getting myself killed, right?” Jeonghans voice gets louder, angrier, the alcohol drowns out his thoughts.

“How much did you drink?” Seungcheol asks, disregarding Jeonghan's bold statement.

“You think I’m insane.”

“No Jeonghan, I think you're hammered and immature.” 

“What if i did get killed back there? What would you do then?” Jeonghan asks, theres a storm rippling through his body. Seungcheol's eyes widen. 

“Dont...dont talk like that.” He says quietly, staring at the steering wheel.

Silence. Seungcheol sighs.

“Jeonghan...you’ve been convicted from your own home, Jisoo is willing to let you stay with him...He's been offering for a week, anyways, and you’ve been ignoring all of his calls.” Seungcheol says, looking at him for the first time that night. Jeonghan notices his eyebags. “I dont want you to be by yourself, I'm not home enough for you to stay with me.” His voice is so tired. “Just, please-”

“I didn’t do it on purpose.” Jeonghan says blankly, storm gone.

Seungcheol gaze breaks, he blinks. “What?”

Jeonghan keeps staring at those dark circles underneath Seungcheol's big eyes. He doesn't know what to say next. 

“I don't care whether it was on purpose or not.” Seungcheol's voice becomes stern and impatient all of a sudden. Its his leader voice and Jeonghan doesn't like it. They're not in a boyband anymore.  “Jisoo is apartment 17. Get out."

Jeonghan slams the car door loud and heads to the entrance of the apartment. He goes to the lady at the front desk. She smiles politely at him and Jeonghan doesn't smile back.

“Apartment 17.” He tucks his bangs behind his ear thinking about how ironic the number is. 

“The ninth floor, the third door on the left.” The woman still has that dumb forced smile on her face.

Jeonghan's too empty to say thank you so he turns towards the elevators without a word. 

“Jeonghan!” Jisoo is relieved more than anything. Clearly, he was afraid no one would show up to his door tonight.

“Tell Seungcheol he's an asshole for me.” Jeonghan waltz in calmly and and plops down on the sofa. 

Jisoo sighs but perks up immediately. “You hungry?” he asks pulling out his phone. “I can order some takeout-”

“I'm good, no thanks.” Jeonghan puts his feet up, getting comfortable.

There's a stretch of silence. “Did you two fight again?” Jisoo asks carefully. 

“He was being a huge dickwad, I was minding my business.” Jeonghan says, matter-of-factly, gesturing to himself.

“Right…”

“I was just out for a drive by the cliff side and he dragged me out of my car and brought me here.” Jeonghan fiddles with the split ends of his hair. “Without my consent. Isn't that...illegal or something?”

“That...is between you two.” Jisoo sighs and claps. “I’m gonna head to bed. The guest suite is all yours. Feel free to call it night whenever you want, ‘kay bud?” 

“‘kay…” Jeonghan stares at the ceiling. Of course Jisoo doesn't want anything to do with Jeonghan and his fucked up life anymore. 

Jisoo's just about to turn to go when Jeonghan stops him by grabbing his wrist. “Do you have any alcohol?”

Jisoo looks around the room carefully, biting his lip. “I do, but we’re not gonna have any.”

“Where is it?”

“Jeonghan, Seungcheol said-”

“I dont care what he said, he's not my mom. Wheres the alcohol?” Jeonghan sits up.   
Its always Seungcheol this, Seungcheol that. Jeonghan's a grown man, damn it. He can make his decisions himself. 

Jisoo has that look in his eyes. That look that caused Jeonghan to run far far away and not look back in fear of what it might have meant.

Jisoo takes Jeonghan's hand off his wrist and starts to walk away. Jeonghan leans back again and looks up at the ceiling, feel a dull ache where his heart is supposed to be. The light stings his eyes and he continues to stare it down till he gets dizzy. The rift between Jisoo and him is still there and it's still suffocating. 

Dark spots blur his vision and he pulls out his phone, manually dialing in the number he knows he should probably save. As it rings, he gets up to turn the lights off and comes back to the sofa, sitting in the cool dark.

The line clicks on but theres no”hello?” that answers.

“Are you there?” Jeonghan asks nervously. “Seungcheol?”

Theres still no answer, only the hum of a car engine, so Jeonghan guesses Seungcheol is there.

“Could you just...talk to me?” He curls onto the sofa. “About anything? Please?”

There's a small sigh. “I had stir fry for lunch today...from this noodle joint in the suburbs...it was awful and i missed a meeting because i was stuck in the bathroom.” 

Jeonghan laughs breathily, resting his head on a cushion and stretching his legs out. 

“Jihoon lost it today. He accidentally deleted one of his finished compostions.” There's a smile in Seungcheol's voice. “Had a complete fit...throwing things, raging at the staff. Almost got me in the face…”

Jeonghan grins gleefully as the scene plays out in his mind. “What did you do about it?”

“Kind of just...dragged him into a supply closet and told him to cool it.” Seungcheol answers. “The investors he wanted to impress were there so he pulled it together pretty easily.” 

Jeonghan chuckles quietly. "I miss talking to you." 

Seungcheol clicks his tongue. "We're all so busy these days and Jihoon's mother is always on my back about something."

"She's a bitch. Called me a drag queen 'cause of my hair."

"Drag queens are cool." Seungcheol comments. 

"If I were a drag queen, would I be cool?" Jeonghan asks playfully. 

Seungcheol bursts into laughter and Jeonghan hasn't heard it in so long he's convinced it's the best sound in the world. 

An "I love you." slips out of someone's mouth but Jeonghan's not sure which one of them it is. They both fall silent. 

He just listens to Seungcheol's soft breathing and it oddly relaxes him. 

“I’m sorry for...um, yelling at you...” Jeonghan starts.

“Yeah.”

“I wasn't thinking right..”

“Yeah.”

“And, um, I’m sorry for making you worry.” Jeonghan plays with his hair, feeling a lump form in his throat. 

There's more silence. 

“I was just being reckless...” Jeonghan lies.

There's a pause.  

“Jeonghan…” Seungcheol's voice is too soft. “This isn't the first time I've caught you pulling these stunts.”

“Stunts?”

“Instead of...” There's hesitation in Seungcheol's voice, Jeonghan bites his lip hard. “Instead of having me come running to you like this all the time...we should...talk it out.”

Jeonghan ends the call and throws his phone on the carpet, it lands with a thud. He tastes blood on his lips. 

That's how it had always been. Seungcheol running after Jeonghan excitedly. Always wanting to show him something. A new phone app, a shirt he wanted to buy, a rap he composed that Jihoon didn't absolutely shit on. 

And now, for almost two years, it's been the other way around. After Seungcheol and Jihoon took over Pledis, Jeonghan never found any messages on his phone. Every once in a while, Seungkwan would send a meme to the group chat and no one would type a response.  
 But Jeonghan kept waiting for that same name to flash on his screen.   
And when it didn't come Jeonghan started doing dumb things. Getting into fights at clubs and calling Seungcheol to come pick him up despite him being two towns over. He tried to take up smoking but that shit tasted awful and Seungcheol lit all of his packets on fire in the front yard when he found out. Jeonghan then started drinking. 

And it's been working out so far. He goes out for a walk or a drive having a shot too many and calls Seungcheol, pouring his heart out, a gross sobbing mess. Seungcheol will already be in his own car, driving to him. And Jeonghan likes it like that. He likes having Seungcheol at the tips of his fingers. He knows he's disgusting for it but he likes it. Because for some reason, when Seungcheol is around, Jeonghan feels safe. 

He wipes his bloody lip with the sleeve of his sweater and falls asleep right on the sofa there. 

~

"You can't just stay cooped up in here all the time!" Jisoo reasons around the third night of Jeonghan's stay. "At least visit Jihoon and Seungcheol to say thank you! They're both off work today."

Seungcheol had come early in the morning to drop off all of his clothes while Jeonghan was asleep. Now there's an unopened box in the guest room and Jeonghan doesn't even want to look in its direction. 

Jisoo sits down next to Jeonghan with a sigh. "Jeonghan, talk to me." 

"I hate him."

Jisoo blinks. "Seungcheol?"

Jeonghan nods, biting the inside of his cheek. The shirt he's wearing is borrowed, it's a size too small. Curse Jisoo for being so skinny. 

"Talk to him. You guys used to be so close..." Jisoo grabs Jeonghan's hand. 

"Fuck what we used to be. He was always an asshole." Jeonghan wiggles his shoulders, trying to get the shirt to stop sticking to him. 

  
"Okay but why?" Jisoo asks exasperated. "You keep repeating that but you won't tell me why." 

Jeonghan bites his cheek hard, trying to think. He can't come up with anything "Fine, I'll go say thanks." 

"Jeonghan, that's not the point-"

"I'm borrowing your BMW." Jeonghan stands up and goes to rack of keys by the entrance. 

  
Jisoo sighs in defeat. "Don't be out too late." 

Jeonghan knows he's being unreasonable. Especially towards Jisoo. He didn't do anything to deserve this shitty treatment. Neither did Seungcheol. But Jeonghan won't admit that. 

He speeds the whole ride there and runs three red lights in hopes that he might end up going to the police station instead and not have to worry about any 'thank you's. It doesn't work.   
The house Seungcheol and Jihoon share is big. Very big and rustic looking. There's a long horse shoe driveway that leads up to the entrance and Jeonghan makes sure to perform the most shitty parking job he can. 

He rings the doorbell, adjusting his hair to look nice on the front view camera of his phone. 

Jihoon answers with a Caprisun in his mouth, wearing cute yellow and pink pajamas. He grins sleepily. "Hi Jeonghan-hyung!" It's been 7 years but he hasn't aged at all. 

Jeonghan smiles. "Hey." 

"Come in, yo." Jihoon holds the door wide open and Jeonghan struts in, taking his shoes off elegantly. 

"Haven't seen you in forever." Jihoon holds his arms out for a hug but Jeonghan just smiles back with his arms folded. 

Jihoon puts his arms down with a knowing frown. "Seungcheol is upstairs."

Jeonghan nods and goes towards the stairs, they're wooden and spiral. Jeonghan can already hear Seungcheol talking on the phone with someone. 

When he makes it to the top of the stairs he sees Seungcheol with his back towards him, indeed on his cellphone, yapping away, wearing a black t shirt and black sweatpants. His hair is wet and dripping onto the towel on his shoulders. 

"Hi daddy." Jeonghan says loudly enough for the person on the other line to hear. 

Seungcheol shoulders shoot up to his ears. "I'll call you later." He mumbles into the phone. 

He turns, aggravated. "You're so gross, I swear to God. What do you want?"

"I came to say thanks." Jeonghan says. 

"For what?" Seungcheol starts drying his hair off with the towel.

"Dropping my clothes off." 

"Uh, you're welcome?" Seungcheol shrugs. "Have you started looking for a new place?" 

"No." Jeonghan flops onto the sofa. 

"Have you decided to stop being such a bitch?"

Jeonghan's mouth twitches into a frown. "Think before you open that shithole of yours." 

Seungcheol sighs a deep sigh. "How about I take you out for dinner?"

"Why the fuck-"

"That's a yes? Good." Seungcheol gets Jeonghan by the arm and pulls him up. "We leave in 30 minutes. You can borrow my clothes."

~

Jeonghan comes downstairs in an itchy blue button up that's a size big and black pants that pool at his ankles. He sees Seungcheol's back hugging Jihoon and is instantly reminded why he has never saved Seungcheol's number. 

"You guys have fun, eh?" Jihoons says from the door, a Popsicle hanging out of his mouth. "Don't kill each other." 

"Shut up, Jihoon." Seungcheol says as he unlocks his car. 

Jeonghan slides into the passenger seat and clips on his seatbelt. The car picks up speed smoothly but Jeonghan's stomach is erupting with butterflies. He pinches his hairs dead ends between his nails, glancing at Seungcheol every now and then. 

"If you're gonna say it, then say it." Seungcheols voice is quiet. 

"I'm sorry." Jeonghan is equally as quiet. 

Jeonghan isn't sure how this weird dynamic of explosive name calling and half spoken apologizes graced them two. But it sure as hell is better than talking about-

"I really don't know what to say." Seungcheol says calmly, his fists gripping the steering wheel tight. "I gave you everything..."

"Seungcheol can we not-" Jeonghan feels unbearable guilt pile on his chest immediately. 

"I confessed to you on the rooftop like a fucking school girl and we kissed." Seungcheol spells out the story Jeonghan hates hearing so much but it plays in his mind every night. "You lied to me. The entire time." 

Jeonghan squeezes his eyes shut. "I know-"

"All that romance bullshit was a dirty lie and you didn't even have the guts to tell me 'sorry' when we broke up." Seungcheol starts speeding. "And now, you're here giving me anxiety by literally dancing on a cliff edge. You're picking fights with me, we're having screaming matches and then afterwards you're holding my hand, kissing me and telling me you love me to death when no ones looking." 

"Seungcheol-" it becomes hard to breathe. 

"I finally get over you and you decide to play me like this every single damn time you find out I'm in town." He's going 60mph. They run a red light and cars honk. 

"Are you mad I decided to move on or what? You decided that you like me after all? Despite literally ripping my heart out of my chest? Fucking explain it to me straight. I don't have time for all this pulling and pushing."

There's a pause. 

"I want an answer, Jeonghan." And the way he says jeonghans name sends chills up his spine forcing wetness out of his eyes. 

"You're...you're going 65." Jeonghan stares at the speedometer tearily. "It's-it's a 40 zone."

Seungcheol exhales, his broad shoulders ease down with release. He slows down and sighs. Jeonghan keeps his gross sniffles tightly in his throat but Seungcheol hears them anyways. 

"Don't cry, baby..." His voice is soft and Jeonghan hates it. He hates it so much. Seungcheol grabs his hand, rubbing his thumb over Jeonghans bony knuckles. 

Jeonghan looks down, feeling small. A tiny tear drops onto their hands and Seungcheol sighs. 

"You kn-know I really love you, right?" Jeonghan sniffs, hiding behind his hair. 

"Yeah." 

Jeonghan wants to scream. That's all he gets from Seungcheol. Never any "I love you too"s. 

"I'm so terrible." His voice cracks. "Why do you even bother with me?"

Seungcheol remains silent. His eyes on the road. 

"You don't even say you love me back." Jeonghan accidentally gets snot in his hair. 

"I was always the first one to say it. You never said it back." Seungcheol is still caressing Jeonghan's soft hand with his own calloused from lifting weights and whatever other bullshit he does. 

"I'm saying it now." Jeonghan turns to look at Seungcheol pleadingly.  

"It doesn't mean anything now." 

Jeonghan forgets how to breathe for a second. He snatches his hand away from Seungcheol like he just burned it. 

They eat dinner in complete silence. Jeonghan gets half of his roast packed because he knows Jisoo likes roast. 

When they're walking back to the car, Jeonghan slips his arm into Seungcheol's, locking the crooks of their elbows together. They used to do that a lot.

Seungcheol has his hands in his pockets, is looking around aimlessly, lazily. Almost like he's pretending Jeonghan isn't there. 

Jeonghan clings to him like his life depends on it. No matter how much he denies it, how much he curses Seungcheol's name, he doesn't want him to leave. Jeonghan doesn't want to be without him. 

"I'm selfish." Jeonghan says. 

Seungcheol shrugs. They reach the car and Jeonghan turns to face him. 

Seungcheol looks at him with blank eyes. Jeonghan opts for looking at Seungchsols lips. Then Suddenly, Seungcheol is leaning forward, placing a gentle peck on Jeonghans own thin lips. 

Jeonghan feels a fire light up in his belly, yanking Seungcheol back in once he starts to pull away. Seungcheol tastes like brown rice and exhaustion. Like a teenager who was forced to grow up too fast because he had 12 other teenagers to look after. 

They part and Seungcheols frowning. "If anyone saw that, I'll be ruined."

"Good." Jeonghan bumps their noses together. 

Seungcheol laughs breathlessly. "Get in the car, bastard."

The drive back they put on the radio and loudly sing-yell to bubblegum pop music. At one point, Jeonghan interlocks his fingers with Seungcheols and everything feels right for about those 15 minutes. 

~

"I got you roast."

Jisoo jumps in shock from his place leaning over the bathroom counter. "You scared me!" He exclaims. 

"What are you doing?" Jeonghan asks, stepping inside. 

Jisoo holds up a funny looking tool with a wire loop on the end. "Just taking out some blackheads."

"Gross."

"It's for hygiene." Jisoo reasons. 

"Wiping your ass after shitting is also for hygiene. Doesn't mean it's not gross." Jeonghan shrugs. 

"How did things go with Coups?" Jisoo asks, leaning towards the mirror.

"Ugh don't call him that." Jeonghan groans. 

Jisoo hums to himself, unbothered. "So things went well?"

"We had dinner together and we kissed." Jeonghan leans back against the doorframe. 

"Does that mean you guys made up?" Jisoo wipes his nose with a hand towel. 

"No.." Jeonghan replies quietly, mind still on Seungcheol's chapped lips and rough palms. 

Jisoo sighs. "He really cared about you, you know." 

"I know."

"He still does."

Jeonghan thinks back to when he found Seungcheol and Jihoon kissing in the recording studio all those years ago after they had broken up on Jeonghans terms. How he felt that tightness in his chest even though had proudly proclaimed he didn't care.

"I know." 

Jeonghan goes to Seungcheol's and Jihoons house again the next day and raids their wine stock. They're both at work, sadly and luckily, so afterwards Jeonghan opts for climbing into Seungcheol's big queen sized bed and reacquainting himself with that scent he can't get out of his nostrils. His cheeks flame at the mess he made of himself in Seungcheol's car the night before. Never again, he scolds himself. He’ll be long dead before he even _thinks_ about telling Seungcheol he loves him again

But its so comfortable. The blankets and pillows surrounding him are thick arms that bleed with the new Calvin Klein cologne and Jeonghan falls asleep easily, pretending a familiar heart is beating in the chest pressed to his cheek.

 

He wakes up groggy, with a sweet migraine tickling his temples. Seungcheol is sitting there in a muav recliner, wearing his work suit, talking on the phone absently. The TV is on but it's mute, playing some MV, probably a demo for one of Pledis’s artists. Jeonghan wonders how long he's been asleep.

Seungcheol ends his phone call with a heavy sigh and leans back in his seat, pinching the bridge of his noise. It reminds Jeonghan of their first year as seventeen. How Seungcheol would psyche himself out trying to make sure everything was perfect, all gestures, all answers to questions, all practices. He's still that same perfectionist.

 

Jeonghan fixes his hair hastily and clears his throat. “What are you doing here?”

 

“This is my house, Jeonghan.” Seungcheol doesn't even flinch.

 

Jeonghan cracks a small smile. “You okay?”

 

“Eh.” Seungcheol waves his hand to demonstrate the extent of _eh._

 

Jeonghan goes to him and sits down on the floor, resting his cheek on Seungcheol's knee.

 

“I'm sorry for trespassing.” Jeonghan's voice is light. A peace offering.

 

“Just tell me beforehand next time.” Seungcheol accepts for now.

 

His hand slides down and plays with Jeonghan's hair. It's probably only because he's tired, the reason Seungcheol's not kicking Jeonghan out. It definitely can't be because he's ready to let Jeonghan mend what he broke.

 

“Who were you talking to on the phone?” Jeonghan asks, enjoying Seungcheold touch too much.

 

“Just someone from work. We’re debuting a new duo in June.” Seungcheol hits replay on the remote and turns the volume up. The demo MV starts to play from the beginning.

 

“Oh they're pretty.” Jeonghan looks up at the screen.

 

Two girls wearing killer high heels and broad shouldered outfits giggle with each other under a bright pink backdrop. Then cut to close up shots of them singing, mingled with some kind of plot of them outsmarting a boy who tried to cheat on them using each other.

 

“We’re going for a power vocalist Ailee type feel.” Seungcheol adds quietly. “With the whole break up song and the _I'm stronger than you_ theme.”

 

“It fits them.” Jeonghan comments, watching the taller one execute an elaborate vocal run he could've only wished to be able to when he still cared about singing. “She's a good singer.” He points to her.

 

“She is. The better out of the two. We’ll probably let her go solo in the long run.”

 

“You guys plan that far ahead?” Jeonghan asks.

 

“Making mistakes out of shortsightedness leads to planning ahead.” Seungcheol says.

 

The girls, now with back up dancers, dance to some choreography that has Soonyoungs style plastered all over it. Jeonghan finds himself bobbing his head to the music unconsciously. He's gotta hand it to Jihoon. The kids got some magic flowing through his fingers.

 

“They’ll do well.” Jeonghan says once the video ends with a shot of them walking away from the camera with their elbows locked. “People are gonna love them.”

 

“The lyrics give a good message too.” Seungcheol says through a yawn. “Don't let someone screw you over just because you love them.”

 

The second those words fall off Seungcheol's lips, the air gets tense and Jeonghan starts to feel like shit.

 

“Yeah that's important to remember.” Jeonghan says quietly.

 

Suddenly, Seungcheol's fingers feel more like razor blades. Jeonghan shifts uncomfortably. There's pins and needles sticking into him from all angles covering every inch of his skin and it's hard to breathe.

 

He gets up. “I have to go.”

 

“Where are you going?” Seungcheol's face is too damn innocent for Jeonghan to take.

 

Jeonghan dogs around for his phone on the bed frazzled before realizing its in his pocket, he doesn't hear Seungcheol get up behind him he's too preoccupied with making sure Seungcheol doesn't hear him. “I have to go. Jisoos at home and he gets worried when I don't answer his texts and I drank all your vodka and I actually really need to go right n-”  

 

He turns and crashes into Seungcheol's chin. He's standing there, frowning, big eyes looking bigger with that look that Jeonghan hates more than he hates himself.

 

“What did I say?” Seungcheol's always been a confronter.

 

“Nothing, you didn't say anything, I just have to go right now.” Jeonghan avoids his eyes, fixing his shirt and pants haphazardly.

 

“What did I say, Jeonghan? That's making you leave?”

 

Jeonghan tries to maneuver around him but Seungcheol's a damn rock. If he doesn't wanna move, you can't make him.

 

Jeonghan presses his lips into a tight line, exhaling through his nose, drumming his fists on Seungcheol's chest in defeat.

 

“I hate you so so so much.” He mutters. “So fucking much.”

 

Seungcheol leans forward, studying Jeonghan's face. “How much did you drink?”

 

“Not a single sip.” Jeonghan bites sarcastically.

 

Seungcheol exhales once and Jeonghan knows exactly what's coming next.

 

“What the fuck did I say?!”

 

“Why do you care?!” Jeonghan fights back, feeling too vulnerable under his gaze.

 

Seungcheol doesn't move an inch, flaming obviously.

 

“Am I not allowed to care about you? Is that it?! You're gonna do all this and ask me why I care ?” He barks.

 

Jeonghan hates it. How after all this time, Seungcheol _still_ cares about him and there's no way in hell he can ever repay Seungcheol for it after breaking his heart the way Jeonghan did. Like the way a child breaks their toy. Carelessly. So carelessly. And now Seungcheol isn't his anymore and Jeonghan hates it more than anything.

 

“Get the hell out of my way!” Jeonghan yells for no reason. Seungcheol looks too good right now and Jeonghan's not sure what'll happen if he stays a second longer.

 

Seungcheol has other plans as he grabs both of Jeonghan's hands in a vice like grip, leaning so close, he exhales loudly through his nose, angrily, his pores exhausting a feeling Jeonghan can only sense in his pants.

 

“You're talking to me like that, bitch?” Seungcheol's voice is low and menacing and it sends a shiver down Jeonghan's spine. “You're really talking to _me_ like that while standing under my own roof after drinking my liquor and sleeping in my bed?”

 

Jeonghan bites his lip staring deep into Seungcheol's big black eyes. He isn't sure what he sees but he's lusting.

The demo MV starts playing on the TV again but Jeonghan can only hear, see and feel Seungcheol.

 

They hit the bed hard but it doesn't hurt. Jeonghan's already blindly undoing Seungcheol's tie, hastily yanking his shirt open all while saying _what the fuck am I doing_ in his head because Jihoon could walk in any second.

 

~

 

Jeonghan stumbles home with disheveled hair, at least 6 bruises on his body, and aching aching aching legs.

 

“Oh you're back!” Jisoos wearing a baby pink apron holding a mixing bowl and a whisk. His eyes study Jeonghan but verbally he doesn't comment. “I’m making brownies.”

 

Jeonghan nods, throat too raw to speak, as he follows Jisoo into the kitchen. He goes to grab a glass from the cabinet and pours himself some water.

 

After gulping it down he fixes his hair and sniffs.

 

“You wanna grab me two eggs, bud?” Jisoo says quietly, seemingly focused on whisking white flour and dark cocoa powder into a happy medium.

 

Jeonghan goes to grab the egg carton from the fridge when his phone vibrates in his pocket. He sets the carton on the counter, pulling his phone out.

 

It's a text from Minghao to the groupchat.

 

_Hey guys! Long time no chat :-)This is kinda impromptu but I just wanted to tell you guys that I'll be getting married soon and I wanted to invite you all! How does it sound? No pressure but I really want you all there!_

 

 _“_ Minghaos getting married.” Jeonghan says to Jisoo, wincing at how wrecked he sounds.

 

“Oh? When?” Jisoo comes over to Jeonghan's side, reading over his shoulder.

 

They watch as message after message pops up in reply. The chat hasn't been this alive since Seungkwan and Vernon gave regular updates on their shopping sprees for the 24 days leading up to Christmas two years ago. And a little after that when Mingyu posted an embarrassing picture of Wonwoo from the Adidas New Year's party that everyone felt the need to comment on in their own way.

 

 _Oh congratulations Minghao!_ Soonyoung is the first to reply with various emojis decorating his text.

 

 _Will there be cake?_ Classic Junhui.

 

 _Of course there’ll be cake, you silly_. Classic Minghao.

 

 _Me and Vernon will definitely come! Congrats Minghao :D._ Seungkwan joins in.

 

 _Vernon and I._ Lee Chan corrects.

 

 _Shut up :)_ Seungkwan retorts.

 

 _Alright guys we gotta have a wild as fuck bachelors party. Dancing monkeys, you know the deal._ Mingyu arrives.

 

 _Of course!_ Minghao is adorably giddy.

 

 _Aw hell yeahhhhhh_. Vernon texts.

 

Wonwoo joins in the fun and sends some heart emojis. Seokmin sends a cake emoji and an _I didn't know you were straight_

 

 _This is a great opportunity for everyone to meet up after so long. I'm so excited! :-) it gets boring seeing Jihoonies same old angry face everyday._ Soonyoung texts.

 

 _Fuck off._ Cue Jihoon. _And congratulations Minghao._

 

Jeonghan chuckles under his breath. He feels Jisoo smile next to him as he rests his chin on Jeonghan's shoulder.

 

It's been a while but Seventeen is still more or less the same and it oddly comforts Jeonghan. Not everything is falling apart.

 

“Tell him I say congratulations.” Jisoos beaming.

 

 _Congrats Minghao from me and Jisoo._ Jeonghan texts, feeling a warmth blossom in his chest where only a hole had been drilled at first.

 

 _Thank you thank you! I'm so glad you're all excited about this! I was really nervous at first but I knew I could count on you guys! The wedding is next month, I'll have invites emailed to you all :D. Again, no pressure to try and make it if you're busy that day!_ Minghao replies.

 

And that's that. The nirvana is short lived but it gives Jeonghan a reason to breathe for the rest of the night. He tries not to think about how only one person didn't talk in the groupchat.

 

Jisoos brownies taste like heaven and Jeonghan eats three with a glass of milk. He collapses into the plush sofa and flips on the TV. His ass hurts but he pretends it doesn't, only focusing on the possibility of meeting up with his good friends in the near future. He tries to find that warmth that excited him again but the image is incomplete and hollow without that one person who didn't talk in the groupchat.

 

Jeonghan frowns deeply and chucks the remote at the floor. It bounces softly on the plush white carpet. He closes his eyes, feeling heavy with those brownies in his stomach. It's only 8 pm, too soon to go to bed, too early to be doing anything else, so naturally, he flips on HGTV. Jeonghan shifts, watching white couples renovate their kitchens. That sharp soreness in his limbs reminds him of that one person who didn't talk in the groupchat.

 

~

 

“You know, I was hoping to drop a few pounds before going but I'm hooked on my own brownies, can you believe how silly that is?” Jisoos talking but Jeonghan's not listening as they get comfortable in their business class seats. “I didn't realize how much I actually gained till I weighed myself last week! 10 pounds heavier, can you believe it?!”

 

“You're fine.” Jeonghan fiddles with his earbuds, trying to untangle them.

 

“I barely fit into my suit.” Jisoo sounds distressed. “I'm gonna have to get it altered.”

 

“You fit.” Jeonghan shrugs.

 

He had texted Seungcheol a few nights later asking if he would be going. Seungcheol had replied with a curt _don't know_ and Jeonghan deleted his number again.

He then asked Jihoon but Jihoon said he had no idea what Seungcheol was planning on doing and that made Jeonghan even more annoyed.

 

“How will everyone react? It's been 4 years since we all met up like this.” Jisoos still chattering away, adjusting his seat and his setting his backpack by his feet.

 

“I know I’m going for the drinks.” Jeonghan sinks into his seat with plans to sleep.

 

“The mom of seventeen only going for drinks? Not to see his precious children?” Jisoos means it jokingly but Jeonghan can't laugh.

 

So he closes his eyes, unsure of what to reply with.

 

“Seungcheol's going. There'll be cameras.” Jisoos voice is a little quiet. “You have to at least pretend in front of reporters.”

 

“There's cameras on the plane too.” Jeonghan replies. Almost as if on cue, they hear a camera flash and a girls snickering.

 

Jeonghan knows how to pretend. If he could pretend to not love Seungcheol for almost 15 years, he can pretend nothing's wrong between them for another few days. If Jeonghan could pretend he didn't give a shit about Seungcheol and dump him on the spot, if Jeonghan could pretend that he didn't feel like crying when he saw Jihoon and Seungcheol kissing just two days later, he can pretend nothing's wrong at all between them for another few days.

Only Jeonghan really did feel like crying. He could pretend all he wanted, but he never could fool himself.

 

“I’m hoping you guys won't fight or anything. Don't ruin Minghaos big day.”

 

Jeonghan pretends he's not fuming that Seungcheol didn't tell him he was coming. He's really good at Pretending. “I think the mom and dad of seventeen know their limits.”

 

“Do they?” And Jeonghan knows Jisoos glaring at the hickey on Jeonghan's neck.

 

“I didn't plan that, Jisoo.” Jeonghan feels the need to explain himself.

 

The plane takes off. Jeonghan makes himself comfortable, resting his head on Jisoos shoulder. At some point Jisoos own head lulls onto his and he's snoring. Then he hears a camera click and a whisper of “Jihan is real.”

 

“Umma!” Seungkwans the one who rushes into Jeonghans embrace at the airport strangely enough. “It's been like 60 years! You're walking like you're pregnant!”

 

Jeonghan pouts, grabbing Seungkwans face. “Oh my spiteful baby bitch.” He coos in his best old lady voice.

 

Seungkwans gotten so much taller, almost taller than Jeonghan. His voice is deeper too but still has that charming young squeakiness that he's always possessed, that light in his eyes that no amount of entertainment industry corruption could even come close to dimming.

 

“You here to pick us up?” Jeonghan asks, slinging his arm over Seungkwans shoulder.

 

“Nah I came with Coups-hyung. He's waiting outside.” Seungkwan answers and Jeonghan pretends his heart didn't skip a beat.

 

“Joshua. Oi Joshua. Yo yo yo.” Seungkwan turns to Jisoo and locks elbows with him.

 

“Yo yo yo. Here we are. In Beijing China. Yo yo yo.” Jisoo raps in English.

 

“Yeah uh, swag man. Swag man.” Seungkwan bobs his head.

 

They head outside the busy airport, lugging their bags. Many recognize them but don't say anything only waving excitedly, a few snap pictures from afar, someone screams “OPPA” and the three of them chuckle awkwardly and bow hello. Seventeen disbanded after all. The hype is long dead.

 

Jeonghan hates that he recognizes Seungcheol's figure immediately. Leaned against the side of the car in his stonewash jeans and an easy thin jacket, fit for mid spring, going through some papers in his hands, frowning slightly with crows feet peppering the corners of his eyes lightly. His earring twinkles.

 

“Shotgun!” Seungkwan hollers and runs to the car.

 

Seungcheol looks up and comes over with a crooked grin. If anyone's better at pretending than Jeonghan, it's Seungcheol. Fuck, he's so good, Jeonghan can't tell when he's _not_ pretending.

 

“Hi Seungcheollie.” Jisoo is the first to greet and hug him with a big smile.

 

“What's up?” Seungcheol chuckles.

 

Jeonghans breath hitches when Seungcheol embraces him but he grins anyway.

 

“I'm glad you guys made it on time. Soonyoungs flight got delayed so he’ll be here later at night.” Seungcheol waves the paper in his hand once they part. “And Wonwoo being Wonwoo, missed his connection flight.”

 

They walk to the rental Corolla and Seungcheol unlocks the trunk.

 

“Feel bad for Soonyoung, he was probably the most excited about this.” Jeonghan says, hauling his duffle into the trunk.

 

“Mmhm.” Seungcheol agrees as Jisoo tosses his suitcase in. “Minghao rented a villa by his house for everyone.”

 

“Ooh fancy.” Jisoo says absently,checking his phone as Jeonghan shuts the trunk.

 

“13 guys sharing one living space. Where have I heard that before?” Seungcheol says as they plop into the car. He starts the car.

 

“I think it’ll be fun.” Seungkwan says as he sneaks a selfie with an unsuspecting Jisoo in the background.

 

“Hey, delete that.” Jisoo pouts, noticing.

 

They buckle up and the car zooms off into the busy streets of Beijing.

Minghaos house is at an isolated turn off, where's there's big green patches and the air smells a little less stale and more like artificial fragrance. They're driving through a fenced in long driveway with water fountains decorating it. Jeonghan's mouth drops open when he sees a tiger lazily lying in the grass and playing with its paws.

 

“Minghao has a pet tiger?” He asks.

 

“His fiancé does.” Seungcheol corrects. “Her dads the ambassador for India and the tiger was an engagement gift from the prime minister.”

 

“His name is Raajah.” Seungkwan chirps.

 

“The dad?”

 

“The tiger. Raajah.” Seungkwan pronounces it slowly.

 

“Raajah.” Jisoo repeats. “Ra-a-jah…”

 

“Tigers a bitch. Almost bit me in the ass first time Minghao took me to meet it.” Seungcheol says.

 

“Minghao-hyung was just laughing too while Seungcheol-hyung was trying to outrun it.” Seungkwan cackles.

 

Jeonghan laughs, picturing the image of Seunghcheols ugly panicked face as a ferocious tiger sprints after him.

 

“Oh, you guys!” Minghao squeaks, running into Joshua and Jeonghan's arms. “You haven't aged a day!”

 

“Oh no no I gained so much weight, Minghao!” Jisoo immediately counters, distressed. “Look at this!” He pokes the tiny bit of tummy protruding out of his sweatshirt.

 

“Yikes.” Minghao raises his eyebrows but then laughs. “Just kidding.”

 

“Set Raajah after him. That'll help drop a few pounds.” Seungcheol mutters, taking his jacket off.

 

“Hyung, you're still bitter about that?!” Minghao laughs incredulously.

 

“I could've died!” Seungcheol exclaims, tossing his jacket on the sofa.

 

Jeonghan cackles and goes to sit on one of the leather sofas that are probably worth more than he is.

Seungcheol plops down next to him but Jeonghan pretends he doesn't mind, shifting so he's sitting with his legs tucked under him and so that their knees won't touch.

 

“Seokmin-hyung still in the bathroom?” Seungkwan asks, falling into Seungcheol's lap.

 

“Poor baby, he's been in there all day.” Minghaos expression falls as Seungcheol grumbles with Seungkwans weight over him, trying to shift comfortably.

 

“What happened?” Jisoo asks.

 

Jeonghan's skin prickles as Seungcheol's arm brushes against his.

 

“Ate some undercooked liver on the plane. Been puking ever since.” Seungcheol's voice is too close and it reminds Jeonghan of that night they spent together in the Calvin Klein bed with a demo MV playing on the TV.

 

“I'll go check on him.” Jeonghan stands up and leaves without another word. He doesn't even know where the bathroom is.

 

~

 

Every room is full in the villa. It's off this beautiful private lake and some ski boats that Minghaos fiancés dad had specially ordered for “Minghaos bachelor friends”. No one argued. No one told him it was still a little too cold to be jet skiing.

 

Jeonghan's sitting on the dock, his toes grazing the cool water. They're all scheduled to stay for a week and Jeonghan contemplates exactly how much distance he can keep from Seungcheol without the others getting suspicious. Every time he sees him all he can feel is, to put in a word: confusion. Guilt for lying to him, outrage because he somehow managed to move on from Jeonghan so fast, lust because hot damn, and then there's a another feeling that Jeonghan's not sure he's ready to admit could ever exist between them. Not after everything that happened.He's too scared to even say it. Not after that breakdown he had in Seungcheol's car after saying it. No. Never again.

 

“Hey.” Cue the devil.

 

“Hey.” Jeonghan answers and looks up.

 

Seungcheol's wearing a cotton white long sleeve shirt and cargo shorts. His skin looks soft, his eyes are big, his lips are plush, and Jeonghan's really wants to say those words that make him shrink.

 

“You comin in for lunch?” Seungcheol sits down next to him.

 

Jeonghan sighs and rests his head on Seungcheol's shoulder, entwining their arms and locking their fingers. Seungcheol's hands are warm and Jeonghan's loves them. Seungcheol's shoulders are reliable and strong, and Jeonghan loves them. Seungcheol breathing is soft and pretty, and Jeonghan loves him. He doesn't have to say anything.

 

They both stay quiet, cherishing the soft moment. Knowing if one of them speaks up, it’ll end in a battle.

The water is pretty blue, the boats rock gently in the wind. The scene is so calm Jeonghan's having a hard time believing it's real.

 

He thinks about that night. How willing Seungcheol had seem. More forceful than willing, but willing all the same. Jihoons room was only a hallway away. The door wasn't even locked or anything. Jeonghan has to know.

 

“Seungcheol?”

 

“Hmm.”

 

“Do you love Jihoon?”

 

There's a pause and Jeonghan realizes he doesn't care for the answer.

 

“I do .” Seungcheol says softly. “Parts of him.”

 

“Parts?”

 

Seungcheol shifts, kicking the water under his ankles.

 

“Parts. If you love whole, you're loving too much.” Seungcheol's thumb brushes over Jeonghan's knuckles absently. “Gotta love small. In parts.”

 

“Then...that night?” Jeonghan looks at him, confused

 

Seungcheol tucks Jeonghan's bangs behind his ear. “Its not that kind of love.”

 

Jeonghan studies Seungcheol's face. He can't tell if Seungcheol's pretending right now or not. There's no cameras around so why would he be? Seungcheol has a conscious, he would never just cheat on Jihoon like that. He's lying about something but Jeonghan can't figure it out

 

“Love small? What does that mean?” He’ll save the more hidden questions for later and only ask a few. Lunch is waiting inside.

 

“Just love small. So if what you love leaves you, it’ll only hurt small, you understand?”

 

A pause.

 

“I understand.”

 

Love the color of flower petals but not the whole flower, love the way the wind kisses your cheeks but never think it owes you a breeze, love how cold snow is but don't love winter. Love small. Love Seungcheol's puffy eye bags but not his whole face. Love how he takes his coffee black with three big spoonfuls of sugar, but never watch him drink it. Love Seungcheol's arms, strong enough to to sweep Jeongan off his feet, but to not rely on them, even if they're always there to catch him. Love how he can lead, but never willingly give him the reigns. Love how loud and passionate he can get, but never push him there in case he gets too loud and Jeonghan shatters. Love Seungcheol, but don't.

 

“What if I'm loving a lot of parts?” Jeonghan mumbles, resting his head back on Seungcheol's shoulder.

 

“Then you're loving too much.” Seungcheol tuts. “And you're fucked.”

 

“I think I'm alright with that.” Jeonghan decides.

 

“HYUNG!” A familiar voice hollers behind them.

 

Seungcheol and Jeonghan separate almost on a reflex. Lee Chan jogs over with a big grin.

 

“Hey Channie.” Jeonghan smiles.

 

“Ooh. Was I interrupting something?” He asks a little carefully.

 

“Oh no, we were just talking about going jet skiing maybe.” Seungcheol gets up and shakes his feet off, slipping them back into his sandals.

 

“Yeah, maybe if there's a warmer day.” Chan agrees. “It's a shame we’re only here for a week.”

 

“Yup.” Seungcheol casually throws his arm around Chans shoulders. “We should all try to get together like this more often.” They start to walk away but Seungcheol turns back a little. “Jeonghan, you coming?”

 

Jeonghan looks up at Seungcheol. He's loving too much, not whole, but too much. “Yeah, I'm coming.”

 

They don't end up going jet skiing because it's starts raining. Jeonghan doesn't mind. This means more time to snuggle into the comforter with a glass of wine, maybe with Seungcheol, maybe without him. They could happen, Jeonghan thinks. In parts, never wholly. Seungcheol could love parts of Jeonghan. Jeonghan could pretend he loves parts of Seungcheol without having him know exactly how close to whole those parts are. They could happen.

The evening drags and Soonyoung suggests beer pong. Minghaos sends a butler for some beer, and everyone sits around awkwardly waiting and reminiscing the times when they would all go to the liquor store and could only afford the cheap kind.

Instead of a couple of cans of beers, Minghaos father in law is at their door, scolding them for trying to indulge in such “unsightly liquor”. Minghao insists its only for the game but Mr Father In Law hands him two bottles of scotch and two bottles of whiskey and Minghao weakly takes them.

 

At some point in the game, they stop playing.

 

“Listen Minghao…” Jun slurs in heavy Chinese. “You gotta grow some balls and stand up to your old man…he's controlling you I'm saying. You gotta live your dreams…”

 

Minghao hums and bobs his head, whether he's agreeing or mumbling a song is relatively unknown. He hiccups.

 

“I'll tell em, you see what I tell em!” Swear on my fuckin life I'll tell em!” Soonyoung shouts to whoever will listen. “Tell em straight, right away tell em all!”

 

It looks like Seokmins crying or just laughing too hard, it's hard to tell as Wonwoo weeps about his woes of a girl he met in Puerto Rico.

 

Vernons got a whole group stationed around him listening intently as speaks in broken Korean and English about that time he and Drake played basketball together in a dream of his.

 

“And I said to him ‘Aubrey’ I said to him ‘Aubrey, we only live long enough to shoot the hoop’ I said to him ‘Aubrey but we can never know if we made the basket’ I said to Aubrey.”

 

“Swag, man.” Seungkwan nods intently. “That's deep.”

 

Jisoo is fast asleep, his feet are propped up on Mingyus shirtless torso, who's struggling to complete a game of _words with friends_ on self play.

 

The only person who didn't touch the scotch and whiskey was Seungcheol claiming its “bad for my physique”. The only person who's not blackout drunk is Jeonghan and that's only because he's got high tolerance from drinking like an alcoholic for years now.

 

Jihoon struggles out of Lee Chans arms, uninterested in the rest of Vernons story, and waddles up to Seungcheol. Jeonghan watches them carefully.

 

“Hyung!” He stomps his foot.

 

“Yes, Jihoon.” Seungcheol looks up from his phone, perched on a kitchen stool. He's got that look on his face. That agitated but trying not to seem agitated leader look that Jeonghan knows too much.

 

“You're fuckin smelly!” Jihoon pouts climbing into Seungcheol's lap. “And you're fuckin ugly!”

 

“I sure am.” Seungcheol agrees absently, brushing Jihoons disheveled hair out of his eyes.

 

“Do you think I'm ugly?” Jihoon asks quietly.

 

“No Jihoonie. You're very handsome.” Seungcheol tells him and kisses him lightly on the cheek.

 

Jeonghan flames. That same mouth was filthily on his body just a month ago, now it had the audacity to kiss someone else that softly right in front of Jeonghan.

 

“You're fuckin stupid.” Jihoon tuts.

 

“Mhmm.” Seungcheol rests his cheek on his fist, elbow propped up on the counter.

 

Jihoon throws his arms around Seungcheoks neck and hugs him tight. “I love you so so so much.”

 

Seungcheol's got a goofy smile on his face as he ruffles Jihoons hair. “Love you too.”

 

Jeonghan stands up and steps out of the dining area and goes out the back door.

 

He stays on the porch, not wanting to get his hair wet in the rain. Gross tears trickle down his face but he wipes them away harshly, feeling like a fucking idiot for thinking Seungcheol would ever love him again. Even in parts. Seungcheol's not a dumb guy. He makes a mistake once, he’ll never make it again, not even half a mistake. The mistake in this case being Jeonghan.

 

“You're right. I'm fucked.” Jeonghan mutters, staring up at the dark sky.

 

Thunder answers back and Jeonghan sits on one of the patio chairs.

After itching for a few minutes, Jeonghan gets up and goes to the dock, plopping down onto the wet wood where he and Seungcheol had sat together that afternoon.

It's pathetic, really. The rain drenching Jeonghan's t shirt, matting his hair to his face, the lake under his feet is gross and cold, really. He should've grabbed a bottle on the way out.

 

 _Parts._ He thinks. Exactly how many parts of Jeonghan does Seungcheol love? Does he love any parts at all? Or was that whole conversation on the dock just a round of their big pretend game?

 

Jeonghan falls asleep with an empty being and wakes up with a pretty silver chain dressed on his collarbones. He sits up and sees Seungcheol fixing his hair in the mirror of the room.

 

“Is this yours?” Jeonghan feels the little pendant hanging off the chain between his fingers.

 

Seungcheol turns and looks at him. “It suits you.” He shrugs.

 

Jeonghan plays with it all day but never looks down to see what it looks like even once. _Loving small_ , he thinks.

 

“Let's go to a club.” Chan throws into the air around 9 pm.

 

Had this been 10 years ago everyone would've noogied Chan into silence.

 

“Our little Channie? Wants to go to a club?” Soonyoung says incredulously.

 

“Oh how the times have changed.” Seokmin sing songs.

 

Jeonghan rolls his eyes.

 

“I know a good place.” Jun says, adding that he knows the owner so they could get VIP treatment.

 

“Oh fuck, I'm down.” Wonwoo folds his legs and the plan is set.

 

“Great Dj’s there too.” Jun speaks up again as he looks up the address on his phone, while everyone gets ready. “You could get some composing ideas, Jihoon.”

 

Jihoon nods quietly in response, hungover clearly.

 

“Gonna get wrecked, bitch!” Mingyu hollers, slinging his arm around Soonyoung.

 

Minghaos father in law somehow finds out and arrives at the scene just as theyre about to leave. He tuts at them.

 

“You're _men._ Not _boys.”_ He folds his arms as Minghaos skinny shoulders droop. “I'll arrange for a chauffeur and have you taken out to the Opera Bonbama. No son of mine is going to be caught dead at some two cents and a penny stripper club.”

 

They all keep their groans locked tightly in their throats. If there's anyone more frightening than Raajah, it's Minghaos father in law.

 

They're piled on the sidewalk when Jun throws the suggestion into the air.

 

“The club is only a few blocks from here, we could walk.”

 

Jeonghan stares up at the overly posh restaurant with bright lights illuminating it's 5 star rating. The guys all nod slowly to themselves and start walking.

 

They get a special sitting lounge, elevated on the second floor, hovering above the dancing and the party, once Jun tells the bouncer who he is.

 

The owner greets Jun with a big pat on the back and they talk animatedly in Chinese. He introduced himself to the group as Big Cho. The strong lights hurt Jeonghan's eyes, so he lays back on the leather sofa and closes them, not in the mood to drink for once, not in the mood to greet anyone named Big Cho.

 

“He's kinda shady.” Jun turns back to the guys once Big Cho leaves. “Don't let him bribe you into anything.”

 

Big Cho comes to check up on them too many times, true to Juns word, he's shady as fuck. He's big, broad, and tall, his chest is decorated with gold chains and he's wearing a fedora, reeks of cigarettes and has a handle bar mustache. The kind of guy who makes underhanded comments about everything, even when no one asked him to join the conversation.

 

He sits next to Jeonghan on one occasion.

 

“You're friends are dancing but you are sitting.” His Korean is heavily accented.

 

“Yup.” Jeonghan doesn't open his eyes.

 

“You do not like to dance?”

 

“I like to dance.”

 

“What else do you like?”

 

“Stuff.”

 

Big Cho laughs. “Oh come on, don't be so antisocial.”

 

Jeonghan opens his eyes and regrets it. The flashing lights are even worse now. He squints around to find his friends but only sees Seungcheol sitting across from a pretty girl at the bar. The girl is talking to him but Seungcheol is distracted, continuously glancing in Jeonghan's and Big Chos direction.

 

Jeonghan and Seungcheol lock eyes for a split second and Jeonghan can almost hear Seungcheol warning him not to do something stupid.

 

He looks away and turns to Big Cho, ignoring Seungcheol's eyes burning holes into the side of his head.

 

He smiles charmingly. “Do you own this whole club?”

 

“I do and I own two more in Hong Kong.” Big Cho grins uglily. Jeonghan wants to cringe.

 

“That's really cool.” Jeonghan shifts a little closer to him and folds his legs, pretending he doesn't want to gag at the stench of smoke radiating off him. “You must have a lot of money.”

 

“I do.” Big Cho slinks his hand around Jeonghan's shoulder, fingering the chain of his necklace, his eyes glint at it.

 

“Oh this.” Jeonghan holds up the necklace and smiles prettily. “Do you like it? It was a present.”

 

“Who gave it to you?” Big Cho is frowning.

 

Jeonghan purses his lips and glances at Seungcheol but turns back before either of them can register it. He puts on his best sultry face, speaking breathlessly. “Oh, no one important. Do you want it?”

 

“Oh baby, sure.” Big Chos expression is delighted. “I'll buy you a better one. A prettier one to suit your pretty face.”

 

Jeonghan giggles and unclips the necklace from the back and puts it in Big Chos thick palm. Big Cho encloses his fingers around it, tucking it into his pocket.

 

“So where were we?” Jeonghan grins at him.

 

“Talking about how rich I am.” Big Chos smirk is too smug. “You like that?”

 

“I love it.” Jeonghan inches even closer. “I wish I had someone like that..”

 

“What do you mean?” Big Cho licks his lips, his fingers twist Jeonghan's locks.

 

“You know...a rich strong guy…like you..” Jeonghan absently toys with the gold bracelet on Big Chos thick wrist. “Someone who could take care of me…even just for one night.”

 

“I could take care of you.”

 

Jeonghan looks around innocently, his hand roams on Big Chos chest, fingers entwined in gold chains. “Where would we go?”

 

“I've got a nice big Royce parked out back, very spacious. Say the word and we’ll go.”

 

Jeonghan looks in Seungheols direction. He's completely ignoring the girl now, staring at Jeonghan and Big Cho with a tight jaw. His skin is flaming, Jeonghan can tell from all the way over here. He turns back to Big Cho.

 

“Could we?” He purrs, gently running his finger over Big Chos big jaw.

 

Big Cho takes Jeonghan's hand in his. They're intimately close, lips only a feather away from touching. “Let's go.”

 

“Jeonghan, you're a savage!” Jun hollers. “Fucking the damn _owner_ of the club right after 19 minutes of meeting him?! Mad props!”

 

Seungcheol apparently wasn't the only one watching the fiasco unfold. But Seungcheol was the only one that Jeonghan was watching. It's 3 am as they stumble out of on the lit streets. The night is still alive, a bit sleepy, but alive. Jeonghan's not sure if he is.

 

“Ain't nobody getting that D better than Yoon Jeonghan!” Ha!” Seungkwan claps like a seal.

 

Wonwoo pats Jeonghan on the back, face red from laughter. “You gay ass motherfucker. How was it?”

 

Jeonghan shrugs. “Nothing special.”

 

Mingyu clutches his head. “Will _anyone_ be able to press Too Pretty For A Boy Yoon Jeonghan?!”

 

The guys burst into loud obnoxious yelling and Jeonghan's gets mauled into rough bear hugs and hair ruffles by most of them. Seungcheol and Jisoo stand calmly on the side, forced smiles almost too recognizable for Jeonghan.

 

“Nah nah, I got a question.” Soonyoung quiets them all. He turns to Jeonghan. “Who came first?”

 

“He did.” Jeonghan answers straightforwardly and the guys explode into drunken yelling again.

 

“He gettin that D, Yoon Jeonghan.” Seungkwan says with timely claps.

 

“Too pretty for a boy, Yoon Jeonghan.” Mingyu answers in timely claps.

 

“10 minutes in, Yoon Jeonghan.” Jun joins in.

 

“Never comes first, Yoon Jeonghan!” Soonyoung hollers.

 

The group all break into applause, Jeonghan plays around, bowing and giggling. He pretends his stomach isn't turning at Seungcheol standing calmly, phone in hand, barely bothered.

 

“Let's get home guys.” Minghao says finally through a yawn. “It's getting late and the rehearsal dinner is tomorrow.”

 

“Minghao, you're soft.” Vernon slurs but it's clear they all agree.

 

So Minghao calls three taxis and they all pile in, driving back to the villa, and dropping into bed one by one.

 

Jeonghan stays awake, staring at his naked body in the mirror. He's itching all over. He feels disgusting, like big red splotches are all over him. Only, his skin is as clear as ever, he's just tired and pale. So tired.

 

He itches his arm, staring at his eyebags. His hair an ugly dark brown, long with split ends. There's no way in hell Seungcheol could love any part of this.

He bites his lip at how sickly he looks, regretting following Big Cho to his car and touching him the way he did, regretting going out in the rain the night before because he couldn't handle Jihoon telling Seungcheol he loved him, regretting walking into the practice room all those years ago and seeing a soft small hand in hair that Jeonghan's own fingers knew the texture of too well, regretting ever letting Seungcheol go in the first place.

 

He bites too hard and a bead of blood blossoms on his bottom lip. He sighs, leaning forward and wiping the blood with a lazy finger. It bleeds steadily, trickling down Jeonghan's chin and Jeonghan's eyes fill with tears. _Just great._

 

He wipes his eyes, feeling Big Chos nasty hands still on him, feeling so itchy all over, so caught up in trying to stop the blood flow that he doesn't hear a knock on the door.

 

“Jeonghan?” Jisoos voice is small and concerned.

 

Jeonghan jumps, hiccuping back the lump in his throat. “Y-yeah?”

 

“What are you doing in there?”

 

“Oh um, I'm just, um, doing some skincare stuff.”

 

“Are you okay?”

 

“Yeah, some of this toner stuff just burns a little.” Jeongan wipes his eyes one last time, pressing a tissue to his lips. “I'll be out in a second.”

 

Theres a pause that tells Jeonghan Jisoo knows he's lying. He doesn't care, he tells himself as he pulls his pajama back on.

 

“Alright. Don't be up too late.” Jisoo however has accepted Jeonghan's excuse.

 

“Okay I won't.”

 

Jeonghan sticks to Jisoo like glue at the rehearsal dinner. It's at Minghaos own house so at least the venue is a little familiar. All the guests are relatively unknown.

Minghaos father in law doesn't question how tired and haggard anyone looks, only smiling big and jolly as Minghao and his girl dance on the floor, her pretty pink dress fluttering as she spins. The only other time Minghaos looks this happy is when he's b-boying.

 

Jeonghan claps when he's supposed to, smiles when he's suppose to, his only goal to make it through the night.

 

Jisoo then gets up to go the bathroom and Jeonghan curses him in his head 10 times. He absently plays with his table napkin only giving half assed answers every time any of the other guys talk to him. They get the hint, leaving him alone.

 

“Maybe he's going through menopause.” Seungkwan whispers to Seokmin.

 

Minghaos great aunt or someone plops down next to him after a while, talking in Chinese about something. Jeonghan nods along respectfully till he can't take it anymore.

 

“I have to go, um, go, you know? I have to go.” Jeonghan starts to get up, trying to explain to her. “Sorry I know. I wish we could talk more but I have to, yeah, I gotta go.”

 

She tries to communicate back but after a few fruitless minutes she waves him off, annoyed.

 

With a relieved sigh, he goes to Minghao.

 

“Hey, bud.” He starts and Minghaos smile is so bright Jeonghan hates himself. “Is it alright with you if I turn in early for tonight? I'm feeling kinda sick.”

 

Minghao smile melts into concern and sympathy. “That's totally fine hyung! Feel better. Do you need someone to walk you out?”

 

“No I'll be fine.” Jeonghan forces a small smile.

 

They hug real quick and Jeonghan's out the door fast as lightning. He refuses the chauffeurs offer to drive him back to the villa, opting to walk home. It's close to Minghaos house anyway.

 

He wraps his arms tightly around himself, feeling a little self conscious in his tuxedo while the people on the streets are attired in easy casual clothes. He slows down at the turn that leads to the gate of the villa, staring up at the pretty white stone and light yellow shingled roof structure. It's beautiful, breathtaking almost. Even from all the way here, Jeonghan can get a peak of the brilliant blue lake behind it.

He keeps walking, feeling like a prisoner escaping from a jail. Seungcheol's scent, Seungcheols touch, Seungcheol's words are all over that damn place. Jeonghan can't go there.

 

He takes some random turns. He's in Beijing, after all. Why not sightsee?

That's his excuse, at least. He keeps his head down, barely looking at any of the sights around him and it happens without Jeonghan noticing it. Two tall men in black suits, one white, the other Asian, start following him.

 

They catch up to him easily and Jeonghan steps back alarmed.

 

“You're one of Juns friends?” The white asks in fluent Korean.

 

“Why do you care?” Jeonghan eyes him suspiciously, stepping back slowly till he bumps into the other guy.

 

He whips around. “What-who are you two?”

 

The Asian smiles and says something in Chinese. Jeonghan only recognizes the name “Big Cho” and his stomach does a flip.

 

“N-no, you have the wrong guy. I don't have anything to do with him.” Jeonghan shakes his head frantically at the white man, trying to maneuver out of their trap. The Asian gets him by the arm.

 

“No, I think we have the right guy.” The white man pulls Seungcheol's necklace out of his pocket and holds it up.

 

“That's not mine!” Jeonghan's eyes widen as he tries to break out of the other mans grip. “Let go, you fuckin bastards!”

 

“Listen, if you don't cooperate-”

 

“I don't fucking care!” Jeonghan screams, making a scene on purpose even though the street is relatively empty.

 

The white man clamps his hand on Jeonghan's mouth and pulls out his gun from his waistband and shows it to Jeonghan before sliding it back.

 

Jeonghan's knees lock and the air rushes out of his lungs as the man removes his hand from Jeonghan's mouth. He says something in Chinese to the Asian which makes him release his grip on Jeonghan's arm. He sees the necklace in the white mans fist and seethes.

 

“Are you gonna cooperate with us now?”

 

Jeonghan breaks into a sprint without giving the men a chance to react. He turns into a sketchy looking alley, turning again and again in random places, trying to lose the goons when finally his stamina breaks and he collapses on his knees next to a dumpster.

He's shaking so hard and he needs a drink, he needs a drink right now. Tears spill out his eyes as he grits his teeth, manually dialing in the only number that comes to mind.

 

He picks up after a few rings and Jeonghan's almost crying.

 

“What?”

 

Jeonghan opens his mouth to say something but only ugly sobs pour out of his throat. He covers his mouth and shuffles behind the dumpster looking left and right, praying those guys didn't hear him.

 

“Jeonghan?” There's a shrill tone of concern now. “Jeonghan, where the fuck are you?”

 

“S-Seungcheol-I don't know I'm sorry-I-I…He had a g-gun and-...” He can barely breathe.

 

“What? Who had a gun?!” Seungcheol demands.

 

“They came after me!” He shrieks. “ _I'm sorry._ I shouldn't have g-gone with Big Cho that n-night-Seungcheol I'm sorry, I'm s-sorry-” he inhales sharply unable to get anymore words out as the lump in his throat grows too big.

 

“Jeonghan, breathe.”

 

Jeonghan gasps for air, clutching his chest. “I'm s-sorry…” He whines.

 

“Breathe.” Seungcheol says again. “Tell me where you are.”

 

Jeonghan looks around, heaving. “I d-don't know-I'm sorry-I-”

 

“That's alright, I'm coming to get you. Stay where you are. ”

 

“St-stay on the phone.” Jeonghan pleads, face gross and wet with snot and sweat and tears. “P-please…”

 

“Okay, just give me a few minutes.” Seungcheol's voice is panic covered with a thin sheet of calm.

 

The last time Jeonghan heard him talking like that was when the hip hop team went hiking and Vernon got bit by a snake, and Seungcheol carried him all the way back to the main road for an ambulance.

Jeonghan coughs, feeling like he just got bit by a snake, feeling like the venom is rushing through his veins and into his brain, and he can't see anything. He closes his eyes, feeling sweaty and disgusting.

 

“You fucking idiot.” He's not sure how long he was out but when he comes to, Seungcheol's standing over him, eyes wide and gelled hair disheveled beyond recognition.

 

Jeonghan's bottom lip wobbles. “You didn't tell anyone, right?”

 

“Of course not.”Seungcheol sighs and helps him stand up. “I convinced the kids to go out for dinner.”

 

The kids. They haven't used that phrase in a while. Jeonghan sniffs, pushing his hair out of his face, he looks at Seungcheol, even though it's dark, it's clear he's relieved as they walk to the corolla. It reeks of cologne that burns Jeonghans nostrils.

 

“So.” Seungcheol starts the car. “What happened this time?”

 

Jeonghan frowns at that unimpressed tone in Seungcheol's voice. “Shut up.”

 

“You were saying something about a gun.” Seungcheol continues, ignoring Jeonghan. “And someone was after you.”

 

Jeonghan grits his teeth. “Big Cho sent some people after me.”

 

Seungcheol's grip on the steering wheel tightens at that. “Oh, so I ruined your date.” His voice is very casual, conversational.

 

“Stop.” Jeonghan's shoulders deflate. He's too tired to fight.

 

“Stop?” Seungcheol asks as the car picks up speed fast. “You let that psychotic pig fuck you just to make me jealous. You need to stop.”

 

“Stop?!” Jeonghan turns to him incredulously. “You need to stop or at least slow the fuck down before you run someone over!”

 

“Shut the hell up, Jeonghan. Honestly.” Seungcheol spits, hints of his Daegu dialect showing through. “How about I drop you off at the club so that you and Big Cho can fuck _all day long_? Oh and I’ll watch to help you play out your fucked up infidelity fantasy.”

 

Jeonghan's stunned into silence at that. He shifts in his seat, feeling a weird lump in his throat. The car feels too small.

 

“I don't know what possessed you to do that last night but it fucking hurt.” Seungcheol's voice cracks.

 

The rest of the ride home is silent, the guard at the gate doesn't question why they both look so haggard. The villa is brightly lit, there's voices inside so Jeonghan goes back to the dock and Seungcheol follows. Nobody needs to hear them. It's only them. Jeonghan and Seungcheol. They'll both be whole this time, no parts. Jeonghan wants to make sure.

 

“Jihoon.” He finally speaks up. “What about you and Jihoon?”

 

“What about him?”

 

Jeonghan whips around, hair flying everywhere. “What the fuck does he mean to you?!”

 

Seungcheol's expression is pained. “I don't get you, Jeonghan.”

 

It starts to rain. That night when Jeonghan had found them kissing comes back to haunt him again.

 

“Do you remember the day we broke up?” He asks shakily.

 

“Like it was yesterday.” If Seungcheol's crying, the rain hides it.

 

“That day you kissed Jihoon.” Jeonghan's tongue burns as he says it.

 

Seungcheol shoves his hands in his pockets and looks around, chortling. The rain drenches them but Seungcheol's laughter is dry and bitter.

 

“You said you loved him.” Jeonghan can’t believe the words are pouring out of his mouth.

 

“I did say that.” Seungcheol responds. “Jihoon only kissed me once. He didn’t keep killing me like you are right now. While you were living at the bottom of a tequila shot, he was trying to put me back together.”

 

“Thats not fair.” Jeonghan spits, angry at Seungcheols words.

 

“You can parade around for years of your life pretending to love me but its unfair when I kiss Jihoon even once? Even when I'm drunk out of my mind, wishing I were dead and he's only trying to heal the wound?”

 

 _The wound that's still bleeding._ They both know.

 

“That's not what I mean-”

 

“That's exactly what you mean, Jeonghan.” Seungcheol bites. “You can go around fucking whoever you want, a dollar a minute, you can drink yourself unconscious, you can scream at me and rip my hair out, but I can't even kiss somebody else once. Only once.”

 

Jeonghan's knees buckle. “Seungcheol-”

 

“Even after all this time, I'm the one who owes you. You can rip my heart clean out of my chest over and over again but still say that it's unfair I kissed Jihoon once. I let you think I owe you. I tell myself I owe you, even though we both know I could turn away and never look in your direction again.”

 

“You could turn away right now!” Jeonghan screams. “Turn away and pretend I never existed!”

 

“Jihoon and I were over the second I figured out why you were acting like an alcoholic.” Seungcheols voice sounds so raw and overused, like hes the one whos been screaming. “I could never love Jihoon the way I loved you, and he knew it. I dont think...I dont think I could ever love anyone like that again. I loved you too much, Jeonghan. I still love you too much.”

 

Jeonghan opens his mouth, but his words stay latched to his tongue. Seungcheol is drenched, his suit is heavy and dark, clinging to his body, his hands are weakly by his sides, his smile is watery and melancholic, and his eyes...God damn it all, those eyes. That's the only part of Seungcheol Jeonghan needs. That's the only whole Jeonghan will ever need. As long as he has those big puffy eyes, those dark orbs that can see right inside Jeonghan, see the awful side of him and still love him, even just parts of him, Jeonghan won't need anything else.

 

“I'm stuck on you. I could kiss anyone in this entire damn world.” Seungcheol's struggling to speak, his voice breaks as he laughs weakly. “And it would still be you.” He sniffs, stepping forward so slowly like the weight of the world is on his shoulders. “Even though you killed me that night, Jeonghan. You really killed me. You're still killing me but I'm fine with it.”

 

“I love you.” Jeonghan whispers, hoping the rain hitting the dock isn't loud enough to hide him. His feet move on their own but he's not moving.

 

“You're killing me.” Seungcheol laughs again, pulling Jeonghan into a hug. “Youre really killing me, but I'm not gonna die, nope.” Hes shaking so hard.

 

Jeonghan's not sure who's tears are streaming down his face as he clutches Seungcheol's wet clothes.

 

“I love you.” He blurts.

 

Seungcheol's still chuckling as he cups Jeonghan's cheeks in his palms, kissing him over and over. “I could die a thousand deaths and I still wouldn't let you kill me, Yoon Jeonghan.” He says between each kiss.

 

Jeonghan laughs weakly, his voice croaky and wrecked from everything he refused to say all these years. “I love you.” He says again, his fingers curling around Seungcheol's hands on his cheeks.

 

Seungcheol's eyes are wet and beautiful, he sniffs again, shivering from the cold now, instead of the words that he said.

 

“I love you.” Jeonghan can't think of anything else to say. All there is in his mind is Seungcheol. Whole.

 

Seungcheols laugh is so victorious and relieved. He starts kissing Jeonghan again. Rain water, salty tears, the taste of Seungcheol, they all seep into Jeonghan's mouth and although it's disgusting, Jeonghan still can't stop saying it. “I love you.”

 

It's a proud declaration, not a shameful guilty whisper. They probably looks pathetic standing on the dock, laughing like they're insane, soaking wet. They are pathetic, Jeonghan thinks. So pathetic but they're okay with it. They're small but whole and there's no need to pretend anymore.

 

“You think the kids know we’re out here?” Seungcheol asks, locking his arms around Jeonghan's waist, resting their foreheads together.

 

“Who cares?” Jeonghan cackles uglily.

 

Maybe 15 minutes ago, Jeonghan would have cared. He probably would have cared the most. He would've pretended none of it ever happened and gone inside, filled up his glass and downed it in two gulps.

 

But now, he doesn't care who in the world knows it.

 

 

“I love you.”

 

Small but whole.

 

Jeonghan and Seungcheol whisper to each other in Jeonghan's bed after Seungcheol sneaks into his room. Jisoo is sound asleep, chasing away his hangover from yesterday's rehearsal dinner. 

Jeonghan still feels so insecure but he doesn't know why. He figured out after a long long time that there had never been anything serious between Jihoon and Seungcheol except for that one night, his own doubt clouded what he saw as Seungcheol. Yet. Yet he still feels so insecure. Like there's no parts of him here, no parts of him able to love or able to be loved. 

Seungcheol too, very cautiously runs his fingers through Jeonghan's hair, almost as if he's afraid he's dreaming, his eyes are big and anxious. 

“What's wrong?” Jeonghan asks. 

Seungcheol cups Jeonghan's cheek in his palm and bites his lip. “I'm just….just being careful.”

Jeonghan doesn't blame him. He smiles understandingly, trying not to let his heartbreak show through. 

“It'll...it'll take a while, I get it.” Jeonghan can't blame him. 

“I just don't think I could take you breaking my heart again.” Seungcheol's voice is too quiet for it to even be considered pillow talk. 

He's too scared to love whole. 

“I'm all here.” Jeonghan reassures, leaning close so their noses bump. “No pretending.”

Seungcheol laughs breathlessly and kisses Jeonghan softly.

“We’ll work.” He says. “Even if I'm being careful, we’ll work.”

And it's those words that melt Jeonghan's insecurity away. They're whole but a little broken. That's okay though because what's broken can always be fixed. It's a promise that they'll get each other through whatever comes at them next. Even if they're lying in the dark, being as quiet as possible, Jeonghan knows for the first time in a very very long time that he’ll be alright.

  
Minghaos wedding is a success and when everyone gets back to the villa one last time, it hits them all that he was the first of them to get married. That's when Soonyoung starts bawling. 

“Aw hyung, come on.” Lee Chab tries to sound annoyed but his eyes are full of wetness dangerously close to spilling over his lashes. 

Jeonghan watches from his seat by Seungcheol's side, their arms entwined, fingers locked, Jeonghans head rested comfortably on Seungcheol's shoulder, the same way they had been that afternoon on the dock.

“We gotta promise to meet up like this at least once a year.” Seokmin says. “For old times sake.” 

Murmurs of agreement ensue as Soonyoung clings to Minghao.   
Seungcheol brushes his thumb over Jeonghan's hand absently, a little smile on his face as he watches the scene unfold. 

“You going back today?” Jeonghan asks, looking at him.

“Tomorrow.” Seungcheol answers. 

Jeonghan pouts. “Me and Jisoo are leaving today.”

“Ah, I'll take you guys to the airport.” Seungcheol kisses Jeonghan's pout. 

Jeonghan breaks into a smile but before he can respond, Seungkwan is pointing an accusing finger at them. 

“Cut the PDA and join in the group hug!” 

Jeonghan tilts his head. “Are you jealous I've taken your favorite hyung?” 

Seungkwans cheeks flame. “No!” 

Seungcheol guffaws and 17 lock their thumbs in each other fists for the first time in a long long time. For old times sake, Seungcheol roars their boy band esque greeting. 

“Say the name!” 

“SEVENTEEN!”

“Bitch!” Vernon adds in English. 

“Beach!” Jihoon imitates. 

It's as tacky as Jeonghan remembers it. But boy, is it fun. 

They're on the plane, Jeonghan and Jisoo.   
After an overly dramatic parting with Seungcheol at the airport with Seungkwans disgusted groans egging them on, Jeonghan for the first time in a long long time, felt weightless. It was almost like nothing was holding him down, which made it all the more easier for Seungcheol to sweep him into a bridal style hug. Seungkwan had fallen to his knees begging them to not embarrass him like this, sounding like a teenage boy. Jisoo had been beaming, albeit with red cheeks mumbling “okay guys that's enough” but Jeonghan and Seungcheol didn't give two shits. 

“So how did things fall out with Big Cho?” Jisoo plugs his earbuds into his phone. 

Jeonghan jumps. “How do you know about that?”

“You really think Seungcheol wouldn't tell me, your best friend, about something like that?” Jisoo gives Jeonghan a look. 

Jeonghan makes a mental note to beat Seungcheol's ass for telling Jisoo. He beams though, it's the first time in a while that Jisoo has proudly proclaimed he and Jeonghan are friends. 

“Um Jun managed to pay him off and stuff.” Jeonghan shrugs nonchalantly. “Threatened to turn him into the police actually.” He mutters under his breath. 

“I'm glad you figured it all out, Jeonghan.” Jisoo tucks his pillow behind his head and closes his eyes. 

Jeonghan doesn't have it all figured out. Maybe a good chunk, but definitely not all of it. He smiles though. 

Jisoos apartment is so much more warmer and welcoming this time around. They hit the sofa together, too tired to climb into their respective beds, and it reminds Jeonghan of when the 13 of them used to share one dorm and often fell asleep together. 

He's lulled into a comfort he didn't know he needed, Jisoos skinny breathing makes for a serene backdrop. Jeonghan pulls out his phone, calling the contact, not dialing in the number. 

After a few rings he answers. 

“Jeonghan?” Voice groggy and deep.

“We landed safe.” Jeonghan mumbles. 

“That's good.” There's a shuffling of bedsheets, the click of a light switch. “What time is it in Korea?”

“Dunno.” Jeonghan giggles. “3 am?” 

“You should go to bed, baby.” 

“Not sleepy.” Jeonghan mumbles, closing his eyes, fingers absently twirling his hair. “Talk to me.” 

A sweet sigh. Jeonghan's sleepy grin grows. “Minghaos dad made us go jet skiing today. Fun stuff. Seungkwannie flew off his ski like a damn cartoon. Wouldn't talk to Jihoon for the rest of the day because he kept laughing at him. Vernon too, fell off his ski before he could even get going.” 

Jeonghan laughs. “We should go together sometime.” 

“Me and you? I don't know...could you handle getting your hair wet like that?”

“Shut up, yeah.” Jeonghan's too sleepy to feign offense. 

There's a hearty guffaw on the other end. The kind that's bright and loud enough to compete with the sun. And the best part is that it's all for Jeonghan. He thinks about how only a few months ago he had been sitting in the dark on this very sofa, talking to the same guy, biting his lip hard enough to bleed because he couldn't handle what was being said to him. 

Now the only reason he's biting his lip is to keep from laughing too loud. Even though it still guilts him, his actions from the past that hurt the person he loves to death, he doesn't have to face himself alone anymore. They're mending each other together. Jeonghan and Seungcheol. Collecting all the parts that they scattered across the universe over the years and together giving life to a new andromeda, one with colors pink and red, purple and yellow, brilliant brilliant blue, comets, supernovae and shooting stars, Jeonghan and Seungcheol. Even though they're scattered, they're a whole galaxy and that's more than enough for Jeonghan to face his mistakes. 

“I'll see you soon, okay?” Seungcheol says through a yawn. “I think I woke Vernon up.”  

“Is it just you four?” Jeonghan drags the conversation out as long as possible. “Seungkwan, Jihoon, Vernon, and you?”

“Oh no, Jun and Mingyu are here too.” 

“Oh okay.” Jeonghan racks his brain for something else to talk about. “Have you been...drinking enough water?”

There's a knowing smile in Seungcheol's voice. “Jeonghan…”

“What?” Jeonghan asks innocently. 

“Go to bed, it's late.” 

“But-”

“No buts. I'll call you in the morning.” 

Jeonghan sighs. “Okay, okay.” 

A small pause. 

“I love you.” 

It's still careful, the way they say it. But it's whole. Not a lie uttered by some stupid teenager, not a desperate plea for help, not an admitting to a crime, it's a weightless phrase, and even though they carry it carefully, it's all theirs.

“I love you too.” 

**Author's Note:**

> I feel the need to say I pulled this right out of my ass. also my twitter is @golfdadscoups


End file.
